There are generally two types of mindset when it comes to the prospect of being in a serious, loving relationship with someone. There are those who are quite content being independent and single, they perceive a relationship as a bonus, should someone special enter their life. They are quite self-sufficient and by no means need to have a relationship. They, by and large, are open to the idea, should life bring them in that direction.
Then there are those who crave a relationship. They yearn for a relationship, to such an extreme, that they make an unwise choice that leads to sadness, dissatisfaction and broken hearts. The majority of the lesbian single population fit into the latter way of thinking. Desiring a loving, nurturing and safe relationship, they do it: they settle.
Settling is entering into a relationship with a less than desirable partner for the sake of escaping the single life. It is quite common and only inevitably leads down a road of frustration. Caught up in the swirl of desperately trying to find "the one" and the constant ticking of the clock reminding people that they are getting older by the moment, can cause this to happen.
I've observed that the majority of lesbians live by a "just good enough" mentality. This paradigm (way of believing) has aborted more dreams than any other I know. Achieving your dreams means refusing to settle for "just good enough." A casual attitude toward life will only lead you to a place of disappointment and defeat. Mediocrity has infected lesbian society. It's like a magnetic pull on womankind. "It's good enough," rolls off most people's lips, rationalising what they know could be done better or even extraordinarily.
When everyone accepts just "good enough," then no one really has a fulfilling life long relationship, and failure is on the horizon. The moment you do not press forward, you drift backward. There is no neutral ground. You either embrace excellence or mediocrity at any given moment.
Why do we have to feel that we have to bow to societal norms and be partnered up like everyone else? We are raised to believe that the ideal life is one in which we fall in love, marry and then have usually have children. Creating our own family and growing old with our soul mate is instilled in our minds from a very young age. As we enter our late teenage years and early twenties, we are usually weaving our way through relationships, trying to decipher what type of person best fits our needs to sustain a healthy and loving relationship. If a person does not find a truly compatible mate, one that fulfills their emotional and physical needs, provides love, understanding, concern and support through life's difficulties, it is at this time that one may opt to settle.
My last long term relationship ended on the 1st January of this year. I ended it after a 6 month battle with myself as to whether I was making the right decision. I still don't know whether I made the right decision but I like to believe that I did.
I have been with 6 women so far this year. One girl per month. Well a bit more than a month but who's counting! It's been a rough ride but a huge learning curve.
The recurring pattern I've experienced of late is that you wait and pray for there to be a good woman left on this earth and finally one comes along and you find her boring or at least not challenging. Either that, or there is zero chemistry.
What is that? Am I crazy? Or am I just jaded and not giving them a real chance? Or is it just the reverse that I’m just not into them? Then the dilemma becomes do I let this great woman go and regret it afterward?
Why is it that the people we want, don’t want us. But the people who do want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love. I have only loved once. Well maybe twice but I'm still thinking about that.
The women I have been with this year have all been completely into me. Called, write letters, text, took me out, asked about my day, responsible, intelligent, understanding, respectful etc, etc.
We begin dating. Have tonnes of sex like any new couple would. It's okay, never mind blowing or anything. I’ve had much better, but I’ve had much worse too. They're relatively attractive but haven't been my usual type or taste.
I often question whether I'm just being picky? Anyone else would think she's a great catch. I think so as well but just…I don’t know why I can’t get seem to get into them.
So I ask myself, is there something more to dating and relationships than what someone does for me?
How about how someone makes me feel?
How about how I feel about her?
I think those two things are the essence of any relationship. And I think they get lost when we start focusing on checklists.
I have broken up with some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I recall one of them earlier this year. She had everything on my checklist – smart, silly, cute, good family, stable job, etc. What she didn’t have – and what I really needed – was a backbone. I just got the sense that I’d win every argument for the rest of our lives because she was such a pushover. And that wasn’t something I either respected or was attracted to. I broke up with her for another amazing woman. An amazing woman that I was not attracted to at all. Conversely, I have also dated women who were absolute stunners but were incredibly immature. Again, I realised I was settling.
I’ve broken up with women I really cared about after one or two months because I didn’t see a future. From the women’s perspective, the breakup came out of nowhere, since nothing was wrong - yet I have no doubt it was the right thing to do. I tell myself that I'm not doing her any favors by prolonging a relationship that I know is ultimately doomed. Not for a week, a month, or a year. Yet hanging on is what we do - to stave off loneliness, to prevent unrest, to protect her feelings. And it all comes at a cost. Every second you’re investing in the wrong person is a second you’re not investing in the right person. And every second that your partner spends with you when your heart isn’t in it, you’re stealing from her.
We can either *choose* to settle and lose the prospect of truly enjoying life bonded with someone we undoubtedly love or we can take the easy option and continue in a unfulfilling relationship. This year I learnt which was more important.
